If only I could address all the people who bombard my e-mailbox with their various concerns for my well-being. I would love to put an end to the following recurring inquiries once and for all:
(1) I am not interested in enlarging any portion of my anatomy or my husband's anatomy. We are both happy with everything we've got. (And God knows, the last thing I need is to enlarge anything!) But thanks for caring.
(2) We are equally satisfied with our current mortgage rate. We'll let you know if that changes.
(3) No, I do not want to launch a career as a paralegal. But check back with me in a month.
(4) Do NOT send me things entitled "Hey". I'm from rural Virginia. All my relatives are sending me e-mail entitled "Hey". It's not fair.
(5) I will never order any drug online without a prescription. I live in Hollywood. If I need a prescription anything, all I have to do is go out into the hall and yell, "Has anybody got a fill-in-the-blank?"
(6) I do not need any help managing my debts. But again, check back with me.
(7) Viagra? Keep sending those, I need the laugh.
(8) Psychic predicts the thing that happened yesterday. I like those too.
(9) Work from home/Be your own boss. You're too late!